National Knock-Knock Jokes Day 2019 is on Thursday, October 31, 2019: Knock Jokes Day - Good Jokes for 10pts?
Thursday, October 31, 2019 is National Knock-Knock Jokes Day 2019. Teaching Blog Addict: Tell a joke day Knock knock jokes cards
here's a joke: ur boss!
ur boss who
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for vacation, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for vacation, it's because he's
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. __________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. __________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Any funny/cheesy jokes/moments, I've had what you would call a poopy day today?
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
What's white and can't climb trees?
What's red and bad for your teeth?
2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk
"Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers."
What was the last thing Columbus said to his sailors before getting on the ship?
"Ok men, get on the ship"
A pile-up who?
What did O say to Q?
Hey, put that thing back into your trousers.
What do a plum and an elephant have in common?
They're both purple.
Except for the elephant.
Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke, but you have to start me off
Them: Ok, knock knock!
Me: Who's there?
Them: confused silence
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a piece of toast
What did batman say to Robin before getting in the batmobile?
"get in the batmobile."
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Where's my tractor.
"Ask me if I'm a tree!"
"Are you a tree?"
I went to a zoo, they had only one animal. A dog. It was a shih tuz.
Why did the boy drop his ice-cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers in a tank, one turns to the other and says "murrrphlglubglubglub"
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
You: "How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator"
Them: (catching on) "Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door"
You: "No, open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door"
All the animals in the animal kingdom were having a meeting, which animal wasn't there?
The giraffe, it was in the fridge.
point at something random
look amazed at your own hand
What's green and goes up and down?
A cucumber in an elevator
Why was the Indian buried on the side of the hill?
Because he was dead.
A pair of cats, named One Two Three and Un Deux Trois who decided to have a race across a river one day. Who won the race?
One Two Three cat, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq. (Supposed to be pronounced "Un Deux Trois Cat Sank" when told aloud)